Monthly Archives: December 2012

BattleShip Movie Review

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From Indian Cinema and why not….

Sorry everyone…I know you want me to keep on creating more wargaming content but I thought I would take a Sunday afternoon to watch a film and put a review of it up here.  I like movies, I like science fiction a lot, so it stands I would like a big budget Hollywood title along those lines.  Plus I own the game its based on and my three sons enjoy playing it.  But….

Ha,Ha,Ha…this is one of the worst films I have ever watched!  It is has one, yes, one plus point.  The CGI special effects are superb, really well done and the only thing worth watching in the movie.  What of the rest of it?

I could say that making a film based on toys is a bad idea but it’s not.  Lots of good and average productions have come from Transformers, GI Joe, Thomas the Tank Engine and so on.  Making a film based on a board game though, aside from Jumanji I cannot think of any (not true, Mousetrap is a great comedy) is a bit more dubious.  Hasbro made it work with Transformers so why not Battleship?  Well here is a list of what I saw and thought based on watching it all the way through.

  • The plot is super thin.  Never mind physics or anything like that.  Talk to the stars so they send an invasion force to Earth to kills us all (an invasion force unable to steer their own ships incidentally).  They lose their ‘comms’ ship and need the messaging system here on Earth to send for extra troops…but they have tech that allows for crossing space REALLY FAST (light years in days) and they MUST have told their mates they were invading another planet!  They don’t need the primitive Human tech at bloody all!
  • The acting is ruddy awful from start to end.  Aside from Liam Neeson who despite changing his accent in every scene makes his dialogue work the rest of  the acting is turgid and at times actually ‘mentally handicapped’ too.  It reminded me of all things a 1980’s kids cartoon.  I will not quote examples but adding swearing would actually have helped.  Rihanna might not mime to her songs but she should have in this film she is not an actress and the real life navy veterans were just made to look foolish.
  • Formulaic at every step.  Painfully so.  The film is a like a path of falling domino’s or a tick list of idiocy.  The central character is a loud mouth looser and criminal (breaking and entering) but he is convinced to join the navy (why?) and is made an officer right away!  All the characters tell him he has skills and such but I never saw any and he never inspires any confidence as a lead.  He gets the girl which makes no sense.  He survives when he should not…and he smart mouths everyone (there is no respect for superiors in this mans navy!).  Best example.  When the alien ship surfaces he heads over to it on a launch and jumps onto it.  ‘Dude its like totally might be alien and shit’.  Rhianna ‘well I think so too duh’.  Then he turns to face his commander and shrugs…real professional.  Then as everyone says ‘bad idea dude, bad idea’ he touches a glyph and lost world style it begins the whole shooting match.   No First Contact trauma for this chump.  Then they make him a Captain!  A captain in a ship of cretins.  No First Contact trauma but at the sight of dead sailors…arrgh…panic!
  • The Aliens.  They looked great and that is it.  They were awesomely dense at all times, unable to use their own weapons and throwing away every advantage they had over Humanity.  With such bad acting, horrid lines and so on you want them to win but they cannot fly their ships or fight at all.   They seem to be psychotic pacifists…work that one out.  Is it flickering RED for kill it or GREEN for don’t kill it or is it RED with GREEN on it like a road bridge but we kill it anyway?
  • The Shield.  Yes, the aliens can generate a shield that forms a several mile high dome over a large area..kind of like a Battleship board game board limiting the pieces in play…  More awful dialogue follows…its not North Korea or some navy secret experiment….pathological avoidance of the bleeding obvious.  It cannot be Human in origin.  Oh the aliens are shooting at us…what do we do…oh no its like Battlestar Galactica none of our advance weapons work anymore…panic.  We had training and procedure for being shot at…what was it dude…I don’t know.   Oh, yeah its personal dude attack them Ok Corral style.  Plus we can confuse them with sunlight!
  • Sugar Coated Boak.   Boak is a Scottish word which means to be violently sick and it suits this movie.  I know Americans like to salute their flag and that is totally fine with me but this film takes it WAY too far.  It takes every heart on sleeve moment possible and wrings the life out of them while screaming ‘USA,USA’ over and over.  I am not American so I can’t say but it must have made people there cringe with embarrassment; it did for me over and over.  You can love your country, your navy, your service personnel without insulting them like Battleship did.  The final scene with the real life veterans was appalling.  If the characters from this film were real it would make me very scared that they had access to a handgun never mind cruise missiles and nuclear weapons too.
  • Putting the Board game in the Film.  Several scenes and events (tracking ocean movements, milk can projectiles etc) are put in for reference to the board game.  Nice touch, but it does not add anything except to confuse the thin plot further.
  • Final loss of Believability.  The USS Missouri is a 70 year old museum piece but that is ok we can take twenty geriatric former sailors and get her sailing again in hours with no prep and one hundredth of the needed crew.  These are real sailors and their dialogue is horrid!  Quick turn the battleship, the aliens cannot traverse their own weapon pods!  It gets worse…they beat the aliens with the ancient ship by dropping anchor and making one hundred thousand tons of steel skid in the water like a bloody touring car on a racetrack!

All in all its a terrible wooden movie which is so bad its actually funny.  It ends with a little scene after the credits which sealed it for me….Scottish Highlands…NO, totally wrong landscape, Scottish Barn…NO unlike any architecture you would see outside of Ohio, Scottish Workman…NO totally wrong kind of Asian van and equipment…if that is Scotland then I am an Admiral.  Sums up Battleship really..treats the audience like mugs.

In saying all this it makes me want to start a regular feature of reviewing bad or poor films that are in this or similar genres.  I get inspiration for wargaming from some strange places so both you lot reading this and me viewing might both learn something or at least have a chuckle in trying.

Seriously…wait for Battleship to be on free view television.  I did and it saved me a few pounds I would have regretted spending.

GBS

Gerry Anderson dies….

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Its a sad Boxing day for me.  I had not intended to post on the blog until the end of the week (with a look at some of the films and books Christmas brought me) but I have just heard that one of my favourite film makers and innovators has died.  Gerry Anderson died today aged 83 after suffering from some ill health and Alzheimer’s disease as well.  Creator of supermarionation and programmes like Thunderbirds and Stingray, including my favourite Captain Scarlet he had a big effect on my childhood and I spent many rainy weekends watching videos (yes, not DVD’s!) and also BBC2 re-runs.  Programmes that, in an age before computer animation and digital effects did things that no live action film could hope to emulate on screen.

I wish his family well and its a shame that unlike the Captain, Jerry was not indestructible.  Follow the links to learn more and have a look above if you missed the tense and often very violent Captain Scarlet.  I have used it many times to inspire wargame scenarios and the like.  Honestly to me its one of the best spy genre series ever made.

GBS

Merry Christmas and the Annual Grilling

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xmas2012Today is Christmas Day and its been a roller coaster already so I have not much time to blog but I wanted to put up a little missive on this day for a few reasons.  Firstly to thank all those who have been so kind to me and to my family at this time of year.  An embarrassment of riches has come to us from all over the world.  It makes me truly grateful and personally, the thought that people have put into getting me gifts is way too much.  Japan, America, Australia and elsewhere in little packages.  I am loved and love in return.  You should not have but I am glad you did.  To balance this I have made donations to charities both here in Scotland and further afield too to spread the joy that I have received.  My Good Lady, the Poet, the Thinker and the Warrior echo this and have been very thankful for what they have received too.

Secondly yesterday saw the annual Festive Season interview on Orcs in the Webbe between myself and Craig Andrews.  He calls it Annual Grilling and it is.  I know of no other gaming company which would answer so many questions for its public, but I aim to please at all times.  Have a read and then watch me across next year bringing the text into a living form of wargaming.

oitw2012interview

Lastly I wish you all a warm and cosy festive season and thank you too for reading and commenting on this blog.  It means a lot to me.  If you have the chance to be good to another person then do it, the cost is little and the darkness so often apparent in the world is kept at bay by the simple acts of man’s kindness to others.

GBS

Voodoo Orc Undead Todoroni Video

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When you have a spare ten minutes head on over to Youtube or click above and check out Rob Alderman’s video on his Undead Todoroni of the 777th Croaked Line.  The video is a mix of product review and painting example and also character essay.  A good watch.  Rob is getting really good at his videos and it shows.  He is a little hard on himself though when he should not be.  I have had a lot of feedback from regular players of Flintloque and Slaughterloo who love these unique and fun miniatures.

You might remember my short series of postings about this set of miniatures.  If you want a recap and to read them again then go here for the final one and follow the links backwards from there.

Below you can see an image taken from an as yet to be published Flintloque scenario with these miniatures in prime place.  Enjoy!

Cold as Hell but Cooking with Gas!

Cold as Hell but Cooking with Gas!

GBS

OITW Advent Calendar 2012 – The Mirror of Zyrgone

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Its nearly Christmas (or on my fantasy world of Valon it is known as Cryptmass, but more on that elsewhere) and that means my annual entries to the excellent Orcs in the Webbe advent calendar are now appearing online.  Every year Craig over at ‘OITW’ collects material from fans and writers and artist who love the medium of Black Power Fantasy and lines them up for a month of free content which is read by thousands of wargamers and others.

This year Craig asked me for two pieces in our customary way for his birthday (Happy Birthday Craig!) to do with his favourite Valon fantasy race, the Dracci, Children of the Dragons.  I was happy to agree to this and penned a short story called The Mirror of Zyrgone which features not only the Dracci but another perennial favourite Captain Sharke of the 105th Rifles.  Following this (for the 19th of December) a Flintloque scenario called ‘Sharkes Mirror’ which lets wargamers play out the events of the tale.  I followed the tradition begun by Cornwell himself in naming the scenario ‘Sharkes ????‘ and ‘mirror’ had not been used so there you go!

Its a great little action packed tale so please do go along and have a read at it.  Craig is a great chap who takes on a lot in working up not only Orcs in the Webbe but also is editor of Barking Irons Online so it was the least I could do.

GBS

A Week Until the End of the World?

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Well we have one week to live.  The long extinct Mayan culture of South America predicted the end of the world on the 21st of December of this year.  So am I giving away my worldly goods, quitting work, running for the hills, going on a crime spree, carving out a kingdom of dirt…no.  I am sure that we will all still be here come the 22nd of the month.  What interests me more is the typically human hysteria around this even and all the other ‘end of the world’ doom sayers.  I bet few have read the theory on why the world will end and the frankly bonkers logic of the Mayans for what would cause all of our ends.  Check the link in this post if you want to know more.

Essentially it is another case of ancient papers and sacred texts being mistranslated.  An ending of the world really should read ‘a big change in mankind or in the way society functions’ but as always it finishes up being ‘look out for that ruddy big rock falling out of the sky’.  Change a word here or there and the meaning goes totally left of field without a lot of effort…I write fiction for a living trust me on this.  I have all the books that Erich von Daniken wrote and they are excellent works of fiction (awesome for wargaming potential by the way!) but they are not real, just a sideways look at history.  I put this event into the same category.

I could end on a crass little comment about predicting the future and not seeing the arrival of the Spanish but hey…I am not one to anger the gods.  See you in a week!

GBS

The Shepard and his Flock

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The Warrior Shepard

The Warrior Shepard

After yesterday I will admit to a bit of a case of nerves when I attended my youngest son’s nativity play at Girvan Nursery (which is attached to the primary school) but I am happy to say that there was no drama off stage at all.  The Warrior, above in all his finery, played a Shepard.  He is not the actor that my middle son appears to be and much prefers his toy soldiers (not white metal, just a one pound bag of green and grey plastic ones!) and and pop guns but he put on a grand show.  Singing, clapping, miming the actions.  He is smart as a button which was plain to see as he reacted quickly to instruction and made no errors during the performance.  I enjoyed the show…it always reminds me of a horde of little goblins arms and legs flailing madly as they tumble around in a cloud of dust.  Pure madness in the best possible way.

It was a little sad for me though as that was my last nursery grade nativity play 🙁 .  The Warrior begins school next summer and he is my youngest so that is that for the nursery with all three of them passing through its excellent caring hands.

On a separate note the image below makes me smile.  This is the Warrior in his day to day mode as it were.  Just as popular as his brothers.  He handed out his birthday party invites for January today (before school breaks up)…I had to get thirty made to meet the list of those who want to come!

The Warrior and his Fans!

The Warrior and his Fans!

   GBS

The Fall of King Herod

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The Thinker injured in the Festive Wars!

Its been a big and accident prone day for the Syme family for you see…today was my middle son’s Christmas play at school and he had been cast in a leading speaking role as Herod…but…he had a fall.

Girvan Primary is a great school and my feelings in this were reinforced again today by this accident.  It was totally my son’s fault, in putting on his golden costume he tripped and banged his head.  He is fine but a scalp injury was the result and those as you will know bleed profusely.   Myself and my good lady were already in the school and about to take our places in the audience when we were called to him.  The staff had made him comfortable and were fussing over him and as the picture shows he had a bandage on his head.   I was rapidly told of the incident and what had taken place with a high level of professionalism.  I drove the lad to the Girvan Hospital where he got the best of attention (local hospitals with A&E departments are a wonderful idea!) and was checked over without any delay.  He wanted to return to the school to tell his class and teacher he was fine so we did.  All of his friends were frankly ecstatic to see him and not less than six different members of staff stopped us and checked on him by name and how he felt.  Girvan Primary is indeed a super school.

So my son missed the play and his chance to shine on the stage at least.  But shine he did.  I was so proud of him stoically sitting while he was examined without a peep and polite to a fault to all the teaching and medical staff he encountered despite the visible pain he was in.  It also made me realise more (as I do not spent any time normally in the school) than ever just how central to his class he actually is.  “There is a lot of potential in his noggin and it would be a shame to dent it further.” I head this a dozen times in an hour.  He even insisted on us cleaning and returning the golden costume to the school!

Tomorrow is my youngest son’s play….perhaps I will get to see this one 🙂

GBS

Patrick Moore dies today aged 89

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It’s a sad day for me today as the world’s most famous astronomer has died.  Patrick Moore died just after noon today at home, peacefully, aged 89.  I watched The Sky At Night right up to this year beginning as a lad some near thirty years ago.  Moore had his critics and some even accused him of being barmy at times too, but this never bothered me as he was ALWAYS about the science and to say passionate about a subject for so long is very inspiring.  This brings the run of the sky at night to an end as the longest running programme anywhere on TV with the same presenter (being on since 1957 ).  His death sees another part of that generation lost to us all.  That generation of the 1940’s, 1950’s who believed that science could solve anything and that the stars were our right and proper future.

Patrick Moore, to people my age, also has a place in our hearts as the Gamesmaster in the seminal 1990’s TV programme of the same name.  Moving there from science to science fiction.

A sad day indeed.

GBS

Girvan Christmas Street Party 2012

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Last night saw the annual Christmas Street Party in Girvan.  I attend this every year without fail, the kids love it.  This year the weather was excellent, still, dry, crisp, not too cold; trust me that makes all the difference in Ayrshire for outside events!  Now I did not see everything that was going on and I am sure we missed a lot of it but here is a wee account of what the family got up to across a couple of hours.

Some people like to play Girvan down as a town past its prime but last night you would not have thought this at all.  Beginning at the local primary school the smaller children assembled with little lanterns they had made in class, got an electric light in each of them, then proceeded through the town.  My lot were in the thick of this and enjoyed it a lot.  Upon entering the main street the procession halted and awaited the arrival of Santa Claus in full costume with his aides and his sleigh pulled by actual reindeer.  The main road through the town, Dalrymple Street, was closed to traffic and had instead been turned into a little fair with most of the shops open and many trade stands and a handful of kiddy rides and one much larger carnival ride for teens and adults.  As we progressed I ducked out and visited the Inverness Fudge van which makes the trip down here every year.  My coat pockets filled with excellent fudge I went on to the Stumpy Tower at the end of Dalrymple Street.

Santa had set up his grotto in the Stumpy Tower which was an excellent idea as the children formed a very orderly que more than two hundred long (got to love the British ability to que!) around the tower and watched as the town lights were switched on a set at a time ending with the town tree.  While they were waiting my lot got to see the Reindeers close up and to pet them as well which was a highlight for the little Warrior.  Santa himself was in fine fettle and handed out gifts to all the children (at a donation of £1.00 each to their parents which was a nice surprise, big plus to Girvan on this!).  There was then a short interlude before the crowd moved back into the closed road and started in earnest at the stands and rides.  There were also a good half dozen ‘mascots’ dressed up as favourite cartoon characters walking up and down, this was a nice touch too.  Plus several organisations handing out bags of sweets and mince pies and so on freely.

But my lot had a different plan than going back down the street.  We headed for The Roxy bar for its nineteenth year anniversary fireworks and freebies celebration.  My children are big fans of fireworks and of the Roxy too as we go there for dinner from time to time.  It was packed out which was good to see and we secured a good place to watch the five minute show.  I will admit to a sly pint of beer at the bar while the whizz bangs were a’happening.  The Roxy is the best pub in Girvan bar none to me.

Here are some pictures taken by my Good Lady.  I have captioned them to let you know what is going on in each:

I am sure I have missed things out but be assured it was an excellent evening and if you are in Ayrshire or even further away and are passing next year…pop by, we are a friendly place indeed.

GBS