Biodome or Biodumb? Film Review

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biodome

My good friend Jim Brittain commented at the foot of my recent review of the ‘film’ Battleship (2012) about a flick he thought even worse.  A movie named Biodome starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin from 1996.  Well I am up for a challenge and it makes a fine break from work to watch terrible films so once my copy arrived by digital file I set about watching Biodome.  I did this before reading any of the online reviews so that I would have my own opinion.

The online reviews range from bad to really bad to apocalyptic atrocious.  So no bonuses there, turns out it really is universally loathed by the film community.  But what did I think?

I would say first off that this is a ‘buddy’ or a ‘stoner’ film and that should count for something such as I am sure that teens of the time and those of a more challenged intellectual view now would enjoy this movie.  Its a slapstick, its cruel and its slow too; made for those who are in the mood for such things.  I was a teen when this film came out but I did not see it then.  The plot is fairly simple, two losers (Shore and Baldwin) are dumped by their airhead enviro-saving girlfriends which forces to them to go to the site of the Biodome project.  Biodome is a sealed environment which will see four scientists spend a year inside it living with nature.  This sort of stuff was big in the 1990’s.  Of course those meant to go inside do not and the two losers do instead.  Hilarity ensues yes? ….well…no.

The journey to the Biodome is a mini road trip that just makes you loath the two main characters.  Especially Pauly Shore as he is either a poorer actor than Baldwin in that he cannot act ‘stupid enough’ or his character is just a manipulative weasel who effectively goads and tortures his friend while the two of them do nothing but spout crap constantly.    Once they are trapped in the Biodome with the four true scientists for the year long experiment (including Kylie Minogue in one of her ‘wilderness years’ roles, she also dated Shore for a while) one of the scientists describes the two loses as ‘Generation X Road Kill on the Superhighway of Tomorrow’ and that sort of sums them up.   Being stuck in the Biodomee sees the two losers torture each other and the scientists and also try a bit of ‘sexual assault’ for fun.  They hear nothing, they remember nothing, they respect nothing and no one; they are cretins.  None of the gags they carry out in the dome are funny, they are just cruel and pointless.  An example being the insect room where very endangered species are being bred to increase their numbers…upon hearing this the two losers trash the room and effectively kill those species.  They then set up a giant sheet of fly paper and actually kill every insect and bird in the dome.

Scroll on a bit and the losers escape the dome and then invite all their idiotic friends into it for a giant party.  The dome is wreaked and the financier of the dome blames the scientists while the two losers watch and giggle!  But of course they then change their minds and gaining not only fifty points on their IQ’s but also ten years knowledge in various disciplines they then lock themselves in the dome and repair it!  Total guff.  They then save it from the lead scientist who has gone mad.  More guff.  The film ends with them having learned nothing at all and driving with their girlfriends into what looks like a nuclear power plant.  I can only assume they then blow up the world.

Rose McGowan is in this film but sadly (or lucky for her) the editing of her scene cuts out her lines so she has no speaking part despite opening her mouth a couple of times!

Summing up the acting the film.  Its poor but not terrible.  Pauly Shore is the weak link really, laughing at his own script and sometimes looking at the camera too.  So in effect the film is rubbish and it shows.  They spent fifteen million dollars making it, planting that in terms of trees would have helped the planet more.  The message of the film overall behind the crass crud is about saving the planet and this made me laugh more than all the planned gags.  If these two losers represent the common man then this globe is truly ‘boned dude and lost buddy’.

Don’t lose brain cells watching this rubbish.  Thanks Jim!

GBS

A Chocolate Factory themed Birthday for the Warrior

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This post is a day late but yesterday was a long and hectic day so here we are; late but unrepentant!  It was my youngest son’s forth birthday and he, the Warrior, was determined that it was to be themed around his most favourite thing in the world…Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl.  The lad loves this tale.  He has both the films, the audio book, the novel (though it is his brothers copy and he cannot yet read it!) plus clothing and everything else he can get his hands on for it.  So a party on this line was the order of the day.

chocolate factory cake

A Cake fit for a Prince! Custom Made and very impressive

I have to thank my good lady who frankly made all the effort with this birthday and the party.  I do not have a lot of free time (wargamers hunting Flintloque miniatures can do that too you) so she designed and ordered custom invites, the fantastic artist’s cake (above) and she made what were frankly professional grade party bags made to look like they were from the Wonka Factory.  These included candy canes and ‘re-wrapped’ cadbury bars in Wonka Wrappers.  The attendance at the party was twenty odd, no more would have fitted in!

wonka bars

Little Wonka Bars!

wonka party bag

Home made but Professional looking Wonka Party Bags

The wee guy was spoiled by his friends and family, when you are four its what should happen, and after unwrapped a pile of pressies he toddled off to bed and was out like a light!

warrior 4th

I’ve been up for fourteen hours now!

So well done to all involved.  The Warrior will remember this party and that day for a long time to come.  But as an aside…what he really wanted for his birthday, two things.  Firstly a little DVD player so he can watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in bed and…of all things…Eve Hallow to come round for some cake!  Eve did so but cake and kiddies and the living dead don’t really mix!

GBS

Charge! or How to Play Wargames – A book from Bob McAlister

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Back before Christmas my good friend Bob McAlister and his family sent myself and my own family a package all the way from their home in America (see this previous post).  I promised not to open it for a few days but what with work and family I kept it until the big day at Christmas and I stuck to this revised promise like a dog to a bone.  Indeed I often passed the box and my hand reached out…but no!  Waited.  When opened there were many goodies in the box for my Good Lady and my wee three too but I will stick to the gift sent to me.  I present to you a short review of Charge! or How to Play Wargames by Brig.P.Young & Lt.Col J.P.Lawford published by Athena Books in 1986.

Vintage wargaming books from before the ‘age of commercialism’ when it was a hobby for gentlemen and the idea of science fiction and fantasy on a table was truly outlandish are a pet love for me and I own quite a few including many of Fetherstone’s titles such as Complete Wargaming (which is better overall than this book but also far more in depth).  I had wanted ‘Charge!’ for a while but copies were expensive so Bob had done me a real favour by getting me a copy far cheaper in its native North America.  Charge! is written as a set of ‘horse and musket’ rules with attached scenario and introduction.  Despite thirty years passing the rules look very solid and I threw some dice and used my Flintloque figures for pieces and they worked well.  A lot like the kind of rules I like to write, flexible, fun, hobby based and no more complex than they need to be.  The book is split into two parts as far as the rules go, the basic game and the advanced game.  This is something lacking in British titles of this period and is something that has come over from the USA in my generation.

Charge! is not a book about Wargaming as such, it is a book of wargame rules that despite what the author says is best suited to wars of the high 18th century and not earlier or later periods.  I enjoyed reading it and will revisit it in the future too.  As far as I know this book is out of print but it can still be had for those who want to seek it out.  If you can get it cheaply, or from a good friend (!) then I recommend you do.  Thanks again Bob.

GBS

The Ironclad Prophecy by Pat Kelleher

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ironcladprof_300dpi

Back in November 2012 I got two books in the post and while I did not think I would get time to post a full review of either of them (and I was right too, time is short due to just now busy 15mm.co.uk is with orders!) I do want to say a little about the one I have just finished which is by Pat Kelleher.  I have pasted in below what I already posted about this book before moving on to an opinion:

Ironclad Prophecy by Pat Kelleher.

This is the second book in what is now three for Pat Kelleher placed in the ‘No Mans World’ setting.  I have the first one and Ironclad Prophecy has been out for a while but I wanted to read them in order so I got this one when I saw an advert for The Alleyman which follows it in the series.  Essentially the plot concerns the infamous 13th Battalion of the Pennine Fusiliers who simply vanished leaving a huge crater while fighting on the western front in WW1.  A mine you suppose…nope, they have been transported to an alien world where all manner of creepies wait for them.  The premise interested me as original and entertaining plus the author puts it across as a true tale by way of ‘letters and accounts’ from the period and a hush up by the British top brass.  Again begin with the first one Blackhand Gang, otherwise it will make no sense!

I enjoyed the book a lot.  It was slow to get going but once it did it was a racing ride of adventure packed with giant sky jellyfish and shoggoth type creatures.   There was no ending in the plot but it set up beautifully for the third book which I will be getting in my next book bundle in March for my birthday.  You can get the book from a lot of places but here is a link to Amazon which provides me with great service and you can read snippet reviews there too.  But from me I will say its a cracking read which if you like dark fantasy and world war one then you will love it.

GBS

Happy Hogmanay and Welcome to 2013

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A Happy Hogmanay to all and to all a Happy New Year too!

2013 eh….we are truly living in the future now.  What will the new year bring?  It’s hard to tell really what with all the trouble in the world, the uncertainty in the economy, the signs in the starts and other mumbo jumbo.  But hey when was it ever any different.  Me, well I am going to keep on doing what I have been and that is to bring wargamers top notch products at great prices.  With what I have planned for this new year work wise it will be fun, fun, fun for all.  But I cannot spoil the surprises all in one go so I will keep quiet on the new game titles, new miniatures and other new things too for now.

For myself personally its going to be an interesting year since I plan on doing several things I have been meaning to do and keep putting off for one reason or another.  These are not ‘new year resolutions’ (who keeps to these anyway beyond the first week of January?) but more ambitions for living if you want to call it that.  I want to play more of my own wargames, more HOF Fire Team and USEME and of course Flintloque leading to more Slaughterloo battles; these would be accounted for on TTWG blog and linked in places to Barking Irons Online too.  I want to be a bit more productive too (did you just gasp at that, but yes I could do more) in my personal life as I have let things slide a bit in terms of keeping my space tidy and filing things away.  Its also now been three years since the operation for an umbilical hernia that laid me flat out and that means I can go back to exercise without fear of tearing my internal  ‘stitches’.  I have about forty pounds I want to shift off.  I hope to get to a point where I can cycle 5k a day.  I would say I will begin work on some fiction for separate publication by Kindle but this year looks too busy already for those plans. I want to spend more time with my children too as I am having trouble keeping Saturday a ‘no work’ day beyond 9am as I had promised them plus I hope not to suck as much at Xbox games to give my lads a challenge!  So lots to think about and I hope I don’t drop the ball on all of these aims.

I am sure all of this will pop up here on the blog and elsewhere too.  Lets see how I get on!

Happy New Year!

GBS

BattleShip Movie Review

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From Indian Cinema and why not….

Sorry everyone…I know you want me to keep on creating more wargaming content but I thought I would take a Sunday afternoon to watch a film and put a review of it up here.  I like movies, I like science fiction a lot, so it stands I would like a big budget Hollywood title along those lines.  Plus I own the game its based on and my three sons enjoy playing it.  But….

Ha,Ha,Ha…this is one of the worst films I have ever watched!  It is has one, yes, one plus point.  The CGI special effects are superb, really well done and the only thing worth watching in the movie.  What of the rest of it?

I could say that making a film based on toys is a bad idea but it’s not.  Lots of good and average productions have come from Transformers, GI Joe, Thomas the Tank Engine and so on.  Making a film based on a board game though, aside from Jumanji I cannot think of any (not true, Mousetrap is a great comedy) is a bit more dubious.  Hasbro made it work with Transformers so why not Battleship?  Well here is a list of what I saw and thought based on watching it all the way through.

  • The plot is super thin.  Never mind physics or anything like that.  Talk to the stars so they send an invasion force to Earth to kills us all (an invasion force unable to steer their own ships incidentally).  They lose their ‘comms’ ship and need the messaging system here on Earth to send for extra troops…but they have tech that allows for crossing space REALLY FAST (light years in days) and they MUST have told their mates they were invading another planet!  They don’t need the primitive Human tech at bloody all!
  • The acting is ruddy awful from start to end.  Aside from Liam Neeson who despite changing his accent in every scene makes his dialogue work the rest of  the acting is turgid and at times actually ‘mentally handicapped’ too.  It reminded me of all things a 1980’s kids cartoon.  I will not quote examples but adding swearing would actually have helped.  Rihanna might not mime to her songs but she should have in this film she is not an actress and the real life navy veterans were just made to look foolish.
  • Formulaic at every step.  Painfully so.  The film is a like a path of falling domino’s or a tick list of idiocy.  The central character is a loud mouth looser and criminal (breaking and entering) but he is convinced to join the navy (why?) and is made an officer right away!  All the characters tell him he has skills and such but I never saw any and he never inspires any confidence as a lead.  He gets the girl which makes no sense.  He survives when he should not…and he smart mouths everyone (there is no respect for superiors in this mans navy!).  Best example.  When the alien ship surfaces he heads over to it on a launch and jumps onto it.  ‘Dude its like totally might be alien and shit’.  Rhianna ‘well I think so too duh’.  Then he turns to face his commander and shrugs…real professional.  Then as everyone says ‘bad idea dude, bad idea’ he touches a glyph and lost world style it begins the whole shooting match.   No First Contact trauma for this chump.  Then they make him a Captain!  A captain in a ship of cretins.  No First Contact trauma but at the sight of dead sailors…arrgh…panic!
  • The Aliens.  They looked great and that is it.  They were awesomely dense at all times, unable to use their own weapons and throwing away every advantage they had over Humanity.  With such bad acting, horrid lines and so on you want them to win but they cannot fly their ships or fight at all.   They seem to be psychotic pacifists…work that one out.  Is it flickering RED for kill it or GREEN for don’t kill it or is it RED with GREEN on it like a road bridge but we kill it anyway?
  • The Shield.  Yes, the aliens can generate a shield that forms a several mile high dome over a large area..kind of like a Battleship board game board limiting the pieces in play…  More awful dialogue follows…its not North Korea or some navy secret experiment….pathological avoidance of the bleeding obvious.  It cannot be Human in origin.  Oh the aliens are shooting at us…what do we do…oh no its like Battlestar Galactica none of our advance weapons work anymore…panic.  We had training and procedure for being shot at…what was it dude…I don’t know.   Oh, yeah its personal dude attack them Ok Corral style.  Plus we can confuse them with sunlight!
  • Sugar Coated Boak.   Boak is a Scottish word which means to be violently sick and it suits this movie.  I know Americans like to salute their flag and that is totally fine with me but this film takes it WAY too far.  It takes every heart on sleeve moment possible and wrings the life out of them while screaming ‘USA,USA’ over and over.  I am not American so I can’t say but it must have made people there cringe with embarrassment; it did for me over and over.  You can love your country, your navy, your service personnel without insulting them like Battleship did.  The final scene with the real life veterans was appalling.  If the characters from this film were real it would make me very scared that they had access to a handgun never mind cruise missiles and nuclear weapons too.
  • Putting the Board game in the Film.  Several scenes and events (tracking ocean movements, milk can projectiles etc) are put in for reference to the board game.  Nice touch, but it does not add anything except to confuse the thin plot further.
  • Final loss of Believability.  The USS Missouri is a 70 year old museum piece but that is ok we can take twenty geriatric former sailors and get her sailing again in hours with no prep and one hundredth of the needed crew.  These are real sailors and their dialogue is horrid!  Quick turn the battleship, the aliens cannot traverse their own weapon pods!  It gets worse…they beat the aliens with the ancient ship by dropping anchor and making one hundred thousand tons of steel skid in the water like a bloody touring car on a racetrack!

All in all its a terrible wooden movie which is so bad its actually funny.  It ends with a little scene after the credits which sealed it for me….Scottish Highlands…NO, totally wrong landscape, Scottish Barn…NO unlike any architecture you would see outside of Ohio, Scottish Workman…NO totally wrong kind of Asian van and equipment…if that is Scotland then I am an Admiral.  Sums up Battleship really..treats the audience like mugs.

In saying all this it makes me want to start a regular feature of reviewing bad or poor films that are in this or similar genres.  I get inspiration for wargaming from some strange places so both you lot reading this and me viewing might both learn something or at least have a chuckle in trying.

Seriously…wait for Battleship to be on free view television.  I did and it saved me a few pounds I would have regretted spending.

GBS

Gerry Anderson dies….

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Its a sad Boxing day for me.  I had not intended to post on the blog until the end of the week (with a look at some of the films and books Christmas brought me) but I have just heard that one of my favourite film makers and innovators has died.  Gerry Anderson died today aged 83 after suffering from some ill health and Alzheimer’s disease as well.  Creator of supermarionation and programmes like Thunderbirds and Stingray, including my favourite Captain Scarlet he had a big effect on my childhood and I spent many rainy weekends watching videos (yes, not DVD’s!) and also BBC2 re-runs.  Programmes that, in an age before computer animation and digital effects did things that no live action film could hope to emulate on screen.

I wish his family well and its a shame that unlike the Captain, Jerry was not indestructible.  Follow the links to learn more and have a look above if you missed the tense and often very violent Captain Scarlet.  I have used it many times to inspire wargame scenarios and the like.  Honestly to me its one of the best spy genre series ever made.

GBS

Merry Christmas and the Annual Grilling

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xmas2012Today is Christmas Day and its been a roller coaster already so I have not much time to blog but I wanted to put up a little missive on this day for a few reasons.  Firstly to thank all those who have been so kind to me and to my family at this time of year.  An embarrassment of riches has come to us from all over the world.  It makes me truly grateful and personally, the thought that people have put into getting me gifts is way too much.  Japan, America, Australia and elsewhere in little packages.  I am loved and love in return.  You should not have but I am glad you did.  To balance this I have made donations to charities both here in Scotland and further afield too to spread the joy that I have received.  My Good Lady, the Poet, the Thinker and the Warrior echo this and have been very thankful for what they have received too.

Secondly yesterday saw the annual Festive Season interview on Orcs in the Webbe between myself and Craig Andrews.  He calls it Annual Grilling and it is.  I know of no other gaming company which would answer so many questions for its public, but I aim to please at all times.  Have a read and then watch me across next year bringing the text into a living form of wargaming.

oitw2012interview

Lastly I wish you all a warm and cosy festive season and thank you too for reading and commenting on this blog.  It means a lot to me.  If you have the chance to be good to another person then do it, the cost is little and the darkness so often apparent in the world is kept at bay by the simple acts of man’s kindness to others.

GBS

Voodoo Orc Undead Todoroni Video

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When you have a spare ten minutes head on over to Youtube or click above and check out Rob Alderman’s video on his Undead Todoroni of the 777th Croaked Line.  The video is a mix of product review and painting example and also character essay.  A good watch.  Rob is getting really good at his videos and it shows.  He is a little hard on himself though when he should not be.  I have had a lot of feedback from regular players of Flintloque and Slaughterloo who love these unique and fun miniatures.

You might remember my short series of postings about this set of miniatures.  If you want a recap and to read them again then go here for the final one and follow the links backwards from there.

Below you can see an image taken from an as yet to be published Flintloque scenario with these miniatures in prime place.  Enjoy!

Cold as Hell but Cooking with Gas!

Cold as Hell but Cooking with Gas!

GBS

OITW Advent Calendar 2012 – The Mirror of Zyrgone

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Its nearly Christmas (or on my fantasy world of Valon it is known as Cryptmass, but more on that elsewhere) and that means my annual entries to the excellent Orcs in the Webbe advent calendar are now appearing online.  Every year Craig over at ‘OITW’ collects material from fans and writers and artist who love the medium of Black Power Fantasy and lines them up for a month of free content which is read by thousands of wargamers and others.

This year Craig asked me for two pieces in our customary way for his birthday (Happy Birthday Craig!) to do with his favourite Valon fantasy race, the Dracci, Children of the Dragons.  I was happy to agree to this and penned a short story called The Mirror of Zyrgone which features not only the Dracci but another perennial favourite Captain Sharke of the 105th Rifles.  Following this (for the 19th of December) a Flintloque scenario called ‘Sharkes Mirror’ which lets wargamers play out the events of the tale.  I followed the tradition begun by Cornwell himself in naming the scenario ‘Sharkes ????‘ and ‘mirror’ had not been used so there you go!

Its a great little action packed tale so please do go along and have a read at it.  Craig is a great chap who takes on a lot in working up not only Orcs in the Webbe but also is editor of Barking Irons Online so it was the least I could do.

GBS